It was my second year of teaching high-school level Literature when I invited my eighth-grade “senior class people” to immerse themselves in a book that we were reading about people escaping the holocaust. The invitation was to go 48 hours on a very sparse diet consisting of a few pieces of beef jerky, 3 small jawbreakers, 12 oz. of water, and a small dinner roll. We anticipated some of the hardest challenges would be watching the rest of the school eat lunch, so we instead took vigil in my classroom and discussed life amongst other things. A student was complaining about why we “had” to do this. First of all, I had to explain that nobody was required to do this, and there was an option to do a different assignment. The bigger message we discussed however, was that the value in seeing what we are capable of from time-to-time. More importantly, examine what is happening within our body, emotions, and mind as we push ourselves out of routine and comfort zones.
The assignment seemed to serve each student in grasping a better understanding of what people experienced during Nazi occupied Europe, which made the story more poignant and relatable. The unintentional bonus was how much each student learned about themselves. Most learned they were capable of more than they thought and found the assignment easier than expected. One student had to push through their own guilt of not completing the assignment because her family was eating her favorite meal. It was reinforced that the point wasn’t necessarily to make it to the end at all costs, but to understand the experience more acutely and witness the moment of choosing one thing over another when the emotional and physical pressure were heightened. It ended up being an empowering moment for her to not have to “follow the crowd” and to give into her preferences and desires. In essence, everyone learned a valuable lesson even if the path and choices were different.
I bring this story up as I approach my birthday at the end of August.
At the end of August 2023, I decided to give up social media for my 43rd tour around the sun. The primary motivation was to completely remove any compulsion I had with outsourcing my choices and significance to an audience. I also was keenly aware of how much time it was occupying in my life. In all honesty, another big factor was this romanticism that I’d leave social media in a disappointing state of physical conditioning and I’d reemerge transformed. Regardless of the motivation, I knew there would be a lot learned and that being open to possibility rather than futilely predicting lessons and outcomes would be way more fulfilling.
What I’ve lost…
I expected that I’d be breaking my dependency on worrying what others thought. This absolutely happened. I didn’t expect how fast and completely I’d realize this, which to me means that my dependency was more insignificant than I originally thought.
I did lose some connection opportunities with my wife. Sending funny memes and posts was a type of love language for us. Tagging each other in posts and showing public affection for each other was a relationship currency I was oblivious to. The same could be said for many friendships that I learned were a little more superficial than I realized.
I lost easy accessibility to people in my life that I could passively watch through social media. This meant that I either could make a more active effort, or watch some of those relationships drift into passivity.
I lost my phone frequently, because it felt like I often forgot that I even had it. I left it at home, at friends’ houses, in the car. I even stopped taking my phone to bed and left it plugged to charge on the kitchen table.
What I’ve gained…
Time. So much time to focus on other pursuits (more on this later).
Focus. Less habitual phone picking up because there was so much less phone dependency. My screen time cut down more than half, and not just because I had been spending that much time on social media, but scrolling for one reason leads to mindless scrolling for others. Social Media was like the gateway drug to screen addiction.
Addition by Subtraction
Intuitively, I knew that I’d be gaining some time to do other things, but I didn’t know what that would look like or how it would all transpire. By taking away a time sucker and something that naturally drew on my attention, I had the time—and equally importantly—the capacity to dive into other pursuits. I also didn’t have the extra added hinderance of doing the extra things with the burden of performing. The key here is that they were authentic pursuits that nourished me. I didn’t have any doubt I was doing these things because they were valuable to me.
My Additions:
Music: I spent approximately 300 - 400 hours playing the guitar. I went from knowing five chords and two songs by heart to playing over 40 and knowing over 20 songs by heart, and needing the words to another 20. I also wrote three of my own songs which didn’t turn out half bad. I filled our home with songs in our living room, and the campfire circle and friend gatherings with music, too.
This gave Kristy and I something completely unexpected to bond over. She began singing songs with me, first in our living room, then in public as well. The feeling of hearing her beautiful voice compliment my budding guitar skills and adequate voice were an unexpected boon to something that started as just a way to process some emotion, express some feelings, and stay open in my heart. I was inspired to write a song for Kristy for our intimate wedding ceremony in December, and managed to put to words a song about my journey through life, too. It’s been a creative outlet I had no idea was so powerful, and the surge that has waited behind it’s undaming has allowed passion to be ever present in my life and only a guitar away.
Art: Another passion that came into my life in a low-key fashion was wood carving. Since boyhood, picking up a stick worthy of Gandalf’s walking staff has been a familiar practice—as I’m sure many boys at heart can relate. One day I decided to pick up an inexpensive Dremel tool and went to work on creating a staff that has a story written on it. Because the carving is messy business, it also brought me outside more often in the Spring months enjoying the cool air and grass while our cat Tommy and Kristy enjoyed lounging, talking, and reading.
Books: It’s always been a goal of mine to read more books, and it’s usually when winter starts creeping in that I wish I would have spent more of the year picking up and digesting the thoughts and creativity of others. Instead of scrolling before bed, I was learning from Kirk Vonnegut, Jr., Jocko Willink, John Steinbeck, Sophie Strand, Katherine May, Tara Brach, and others.
Resiliency: There came a time around January where I knew that any trace of phone addiction had been resolved. I knew that I didn’t really need it in my life, but considered the benefits of being able to stay connected with healthier boundaries. I really considered the value when it came to helping maintain momentum in out Utah Men’s Circle, or keep all avenues open for my coaching business. Growing either of those without social media seemed like trying to go next door by walking around the block. Yet there’s something rewarding in walking around the block. By not taking advantage of the easier publicity of social media, I got to develop my creativity. I revamped my website’s design, further clarified my coaching philosophy and approach, and worked on the design aspects of social media posting instead of shouldering the publishing process.
Perhaps most importantly, I got to get really intimate with myself during those times of justification. What would I really gain if I reengaged with social media, and what would I actually lose? These moments of reconciliation were an intense and intimate form of awareness for me. This was truly the secret sauce in recognizing my relationship with social media, and more importantly, dedication to my beliefs even when a portion of my starts to shift into the antagonist of my deepest beliefs and desires.
To tie it back to the lesson I helped curate with my students years ago, the risk of having any lasting effects from going a few days with very little food was extremely low. The chance for an impactful moment for the rest of my life is still proving to be true more than a decade later. This realization provides such a powerful lesson for me in terms of the types of choices that might not seem easy in the moment, but turn out to be the most powerful investment for the long term. I can’t help the curiosity that springs to mind when I consider how many more investments I can make on my life’s experience that might have to come at the expense of many short term dopamine hits or distractions from the slight discomfort of boredom.
For My 44th Lap
This idea of Addition by Subtraction has quite a bit of substance for me. If my 43rd year turned out to be the year of creativity birthed through the removal of distraction and outsourcing, then I’m excited to see what comes out of my “44 Tour.” My overall focus is on the health of my body. Everything from diet and exercise, to hydration and flexibility are in the scope. So I’ve decided to focus my attention on one elimination, and one addition and see where we go. In a sense, I’m trying to apply a valuable tool I’ve learned from therapy. Know and perform my A; know and perform my B, and be excited about the C that A+B will equal.
My elimination will be from eating from any fast food restaurant.
My addition will be to practice some form of yoga for at least 15 minutes each day. For anyone that thinks that 15 minutes really isn’t enough to do anything, here’s three really valuable points that I learned from coaching training.
Low Risk Ask: Five - 15 minutes is a low enough ask that it significantly reduces any chance of internal resistance. The idea is, “Sure, I’ve got 15 minutes for almost anything.” The key is that it has less likelihood of feeling like a burden, or chore, which significantly encourages repetition.
The Long Game: In comparing “only” 15 minutes with 60, those 45 minutes were not going to make or break the overall benefits of the practice. Sure, repeating 60 minutes over 365 days will be much more beneficial than 15 over the same period, but habit breaking and habit building is way more about sustainably shifting rather than the bulk of the work, especially at the beginning. Our entire body, especially the nervous system, handles 1-degree shifts much better than 5, 10, or 30-degree shifts. Manageable expectations lead to increases in long-term success.
Encourage Reward: Showing up for 15 minutes is much more conducive to periodically, or even consistently extending to 30, 45, or even 60 minutes. This also invites compassion and meeting yourself where you are and also inviting the rewards of consistency in healthy balance. The key here is this:
A person that expects to show up for 15 minutes and stays for 45 introduces several reward systems including growth, pride, and accomplishment.
A person that expects to show up for 60 and only stays for 45 must grapple with guilt, shame, and system impacts, even though they stay for the same amount of time as the other person.
This practice is positive psychology has everything to do with the likelihood of maintaining an activity.
Consider this:
Person A: Chooses to go hard at their goal for 60 minutes for a month, burns out, abandons the process, reinvigorates themselves 4 months down the road and finds a manageable goal of 30 - 45 minutes for another seven months will have logged between 8,100 - 11,200 hours with the added stress of yo-yoing, disappointment. The caveat is that this only happens if the person re-ignites the fire. In my experience, reigniting that fire is one of the hardest things to do if it happens at all.
Person B: Chooses to be gentle and consistent in their practice. They show up for 365 days straight for 15 minutes each day. Getting to the end feels like a significant accomplishment and confidence boost. It also gives a person 5,475 minutes under their belt. Factor in that person feels wildly inspired to add another 15 - 30 minutes once per week and you’re getting in the (6,000 - 7,000 minute range.) There’s also something to be said about the benefits of consistent steady progress with no stress impact vs. the impact of hard starting and stopping, with long intervals of de-conditioning and reconditioning in between.
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I loved reading this. So great that you've carved out time for your passions (see what I did there?) Love you!