It was Day 8. I made a commitment to myself to stop reaching out to my former partner. The container there had become the size of a shot glass and I was pouring as if it were a bathtub. It was misaligned, out of harmony with myself, and it had become frustrating. Luckily, I shared my intention with a few close men.
Having a powerful, romantic dream that morning involving her didn’t help. I composed and deleted a text message. I looked for a song I could send to break the silence. Then, I was reminded that I’d established an unfamiliar option—I reached out to my fellow men’s circle brothers for a check-in.
Like many men (I’d wager most men), my past relationship with the masculine has felt cold, un
safe, and uncomfortable. Think toothpaste and orange-juice levels. The roots include childhood events, a drastic friendship shift in middle school, and even misaligned and immature masculinity experiences within the Marines. These experiences might be unique to my life, but all these thorns are born from elements common to every man. They are also not the point.
I’ve come to trust this container that my brothers Joe, Taylor, and I are co-facilitating. I’ve learned how powerful it is to be safe in vulnerability. I’ve experienced what it’s like to state intentions and have men show up in accountability. I’ve learned to envision my future, allow my fears and doubt to surface, but not let them guide me. Brothers like Levi, Stephen, Beau, Boone, Shawn, Rick, Bryan, Adam, Krue, Chaguar, and so many more have created a potent space for this work.
So when my old trigger and response came up and I wanted to look outside of myself to fill the void, to get some reassurance, to feel important in another person’s world, my brothers Joe and Taylor reminded me. I am worthy. I have more than enough love to give, but giving it away to those who don’t value it will feel cheap and unfulfilling. They reminded me that I’ve already decided not to live my life like that anymore. In my weak moment, I needed the reminder that I’ve decided to invest that energy into myself and only share it with those who find value in the immense and ever-refined love I have to give.
I have mined the ore that is my steel. I have forged that steel into the blade. I have brothers to remind me of when it gets dull, and brothers to help me sharpen it, again. Aho.
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